Amalgamated

What makes me, me? Of course there is the me part of it - all my nonsense and sense and desires and ambitions and love and what not. Then there is Geet. I realize that over time, I have come to think of her also, as me. I mean I tell her every damn thing - I tell her about my emotions, my struggles, my inner thoughts, my everything - and in turn, she reacts with her thoughts. It is as if, I am telling things to my own self. I think she has also started doing that. Amalgamating. The only issue about this whole experience is the friction that gets created at times, and I think, only time will ease that out, and in time, she will become me and I will become her - amalgamated, forever.

Then there is everything else around me - the environment surrounding me. That is a pressure point clearly. It will take time before I move stronger ahead, and the environment around me becomes more conducive to happiness.

For now, I just want to totally seep into my new life with Geet and seep her into me. That's all that matters.

P.S. Now there will be two of us going to Everest base camp. And scuba.

P.P.S. Just stowed in her small cute undies. I love them ;)

The Pursuit of Happiness

It's time for another FIFA world cup and as I sit and watch my all time favorite team play, I cannot help but think how life has changed over all these years gone past. Whereas my love for Brazil (yes I also support Spain) has never really diminished, a lot else has changed in my life.

Take last world cup for instance. I was single, emotionally wrecked from within, and was following the world cup with a fervour, loving each and every single match, drinking - and forgetting all the pain within, to pursue happiness. Goals brought me smiles, Spain and Brazil winning made me happy. The final came. Spain won. I was truly happy, from within, like crazy. I celebrated like nuts - and then, it was over. No more drinking sessions watching matches at the Sports Bar, no more going out every evening, no more craziness. Just like that, the pursuit of happiness took a step back and the regular monotony of life descended. Heartaches, heartbreaks, professional monotony, dissatisfaction, and more of the usual returned.

Take the world cup of 2006 - I was in IITD. Had gone thru a really rough patch just before that, and I was struggling academically. But the world cup brought back my emotional surge for Brazil. Wearing my cheap, 200 bucks yellow Brazilian jersey (no money, no original merchandize - sorry!), I would go to the campus everyday. It was crazy - I remember wearing my jersey, sitting in the hostel common room and feeling sad when Brazil lost! Happiness and grief unplugged. And then, back to the same - the same hollow, the same pains, the same grinding pursuit.

I hope this world cup is different (even as Brazil is tied 1-1 in match #1 & Neymar has picked up the first yellow card of the tournament!). The run up to this world cup has definitely been very different for me - there have been ups and downs of course, and there have been rough patches, but largely there has been a positive tone to life. Last few months have sealed a partner for lifetime for me (touchwood), someone I love more than anyone else in my life. Obviously, we have our issues - emotional doldrums are a plenty, and the initial surge of immense excitement and craziness has largely got subsided in the run up to our upcoming marriage. Professionally, things are looking up hopefully with a bull market on cards (though I am still struggling to get my head around what I want to do ten years down the line), even though the progress within my firm feels stunted for now. A lot of change otherwise around the corner - overall, a mixed bag.

As this world cup dawns, I only hope, very sincerely, that this slow grinding pursuit of happiness changes into a more steady existence of quality happiness. Craziness, joy filled surges, some bittersweet pains too - maybe a big cocktail of living life fully emerges - and stays here on. I hope the flame of love in my life becomes stronger, and not flicker much here on. I wish that professionally I see some real change of gears upwards. I pray to you, God, wherever you are, and if you can read this, please make my life much much more filled with happiness - for me - I want to feel happy, consistently and everyday (P.S. this is the first time I am ever asking you for happiness entirely for myself - and not world peace and happiness that I always do - because that confuses you and eventually, no one really benefits!!). And while I am at it, I also pray to you, to make Brazil win this world cup :)